Preparing for the future

Nothing can ever prepare you for the mayhem that is about to start in your life. Nothing! No antenatal class, no NCT group, no advice from the wiser can prepare you for what is about to happen. 

Ed and I were clueless and I would say on most things we still are - thank goodness for Google and Amazon Prime. How am I alive when these amazing tools didn't exist when my parents were raising me? Baffles me!

As soon as my mum found out I was pregnant she presented Ed with a day by day guide to pregnancy to give him some basic, hopefully helpful information on what is happening/going to happen.
Ed took it upon himself to read some (miniscule) parts of this book. The one part he did read was about what I should be eating. Somewhere in the book it suggested nuts would be good for me. Ed read this as Lizzie must eat nuts, lots of them and regualrly. To begin with it was nice, Ed taking an interest in my diet and the well being of our unborn child. This novelty soon wore off by the time I was on my 100000 bag of nuts. Ed would pop to the shops to pick up everyday supplies and would arrive home announcing "I got you as pressie" with a massive grin on his face. Oooo what has he bought me? Flowers? Chocolate? Ben and Jerrys? Nope. None of those. He's bought me a mixed bag of nuts. Again! Now don't get me wrong I like nuts but not when I am eating more of them than the whole of the squirrel population. I was preventing the squirrels from getting a balanced diet the amount of nuts he was giving me. 

On one occasion whilst driving to Norfolk to see his family we stopped to get his obligitory coffee. He came out of the petrol station with a coffee and sausage roll for himself but a bottle of flavoured water and the largest tub of nuts you have ever seen for me. How shit? I cannot eat any more nuts. It got to the point where I had to tell him to stop buying me nuts. Only sadly he didn't listen to this instruction at first and started to buy me flavoured nuts! Firstly,  why do nuts need to be flavoured, surely the flavour of nut is enough? Secondly, Ed is still buying me fucking nuts! They may not be your bog standard nuts but they are nuts nonetheless. I was craving alcohol and soft cheese all the things I wasn't allowed and he was trying to get me to eat my increasing body weight in nuts!

To help us prepare further we paid to go to an NCT class. We thought it would be a good opportunity to meet others and find out more about what was going to happen. What I didn't expect was for Ed to think he had become a fully qualified midwife after just one session. He was telling anyone who would listen what he had learnt about labour and the development of the baby. He bought one of those giant bouncy balls for me to make me more comfortable (I was so grateful my hips were killing me). He used this ball to see how quickly he can roll on it from one side of the house to the other and used it as a foot rest when I wasn't trying to bounce to the moon on it. I am pleased he enjoyed his purchase.

We thought we were prepared.

We thought we had learnt enough to get us through the rest of our lives.

This idea was quickly shattered.

 In a women's only NCT session where they spoke about all things women. We were told of things such as perinium massage (if you don't know what this is do not Google it you will be horrified. I was!) and the joys of giant maternity pads. They asked what would we do in the first stages of labour. Apparently my answers of feeding the cat and having a high carb meal were not the right ones. Jason needs to be fed before I give birth and the NCT lady clearly didn't understand how strong my love for my cat is. Everyone looked at me and my plan making partner clearly thinking we were crazy and obviously didn't pay attention.

I was not prepared!!!

We decided shopping might prepare us. Shopping for babies is not as simple as one may think. There are so many options and so many unnecessary things. Do I really need the outfit that makes my baby look like a hungry caterpillar? Yes! Do I really need a cup holder on my pram? Yes! Do I really need the top of a circus tent from Ikea to jazz up the baby's room? Yes! Sadly this didn't fit and filled the whole room. Although I bought the fun stuff I wasn't sure what practical stuff I needed. I wasn't even aware that I needed non under wired bras - I thought these were reserved for the elderly. Pushchairs, car seats, travel systems all primarily do the same job but I had the issue of getting one with a high enough handle. Being the giant I am I didn't want to push round a pushchair that had me bent over to reach the handle. Finding one high enough was a challenge. Picking the colour was a challenge and figuring out what features I needed was also a challenge. I had no idea!!

I had discovered I had lived a sheltered life. Does a baby really need all these things? Do I really have to look after the baby all day every day? How would Jason feel with a new member of the house? All questions I knew were not going to be answered until Desmond* (our name for the unborn child) would arrive.

*You will be pleased to know we didn't stick with Desmond he is called Felix. Yes our cat is called Jason and our baby Felix. We know it's a bit back to front.