Ed (my poor, exhausted husband) did not know what to do with me especially seen as being pregnant wasn't a surprise. My poor little, over-dramatic brain was flapping constantly.
We found out our lives were going to change drastically the day before we flew to Ibiza for a quiet couple of days of drinking sangria before returning to work. Ibiza was quiet but sangria was not enjoyed, neither was the food as I was petrified about confessing my sins! Nobody, literally nobody, wants their parents to know they have had sex.
Eventually I 'fessed up' when mum offered me our usual Friday gin and along with the other grandparents she was clearly excited. Little did I know that the excitement they showed wouldn't disappear or dwindle in the slightest throughout the whole pregnancy.
My sister on the other hand, when I told her she was going to be an auntie assumed I was getting another cat. Surely I couldn't be having a baby, I would forget it and leave it in a shop or something. She was excited but horrified and concerned for the child's welfare all at the same time. She kept asking me questions like "will you be giving baby Brown a dummy?"
"Nah Kit, if it cries I'll just stick a lollipop in its mouth. Probably taste nicer."
Obviously she did not like my ridiculous responses and was worried I was being serious, this was apparent by the traumatised look on her face. She would follow-up all of my shitty responses with "don't worry I'm qualified, I'll sort the baby out if you don't!" This catchphrase used regularly by Kitty was quickly followed by the demand for money as she deserves to be paid, being qualified and all that. She made me aware overnight respite would cost me a small fortune and although I would be paying I should be grateful she has offered her skills! She is qualified don't you know!
Once all the immediate family knew we could focus on growing a human. A task I wrongly assumed would be easier than it was. The TV, films and other pregnant people do not tell you or point out the crappy bits of pregnancy. Everyone always looks so fabulous and breezy especially on the telly....this is not the case. This is not real life! Pregnancy lacks glamour, it's uncomfortable and eventually your dignity disappears out of the window. I didn't have much dignity before but the little I had left vanished quickly.
Throwing up in the staff room at work is not fun! Especially when you haven't shared your news so everyone assumes you are either dying or possibly pregnant. Awkward to ask though especially if the person is just fat! I actually got sent home one day for being sick. I felt fine but nobody believed me, they assumed I must be ill. I eventually obliged and went home, my mum even came and picked me up from work like a poorly child!
When mum picked me up from work she presented me with a gift for Ed from her and my step dad. It was a well done for not being a jaffa present! What? Who does that? You're my mother you shouldn't know terminology like that! Ed found it hilarious and uses the little tiny mugs she bought for some sort of particular coffee everyday. I have no idea what they are for, they look like mugs that are prefect size for a borrower not a six foot man.
Everyone tells you again and again "Oh, you have no idea how your life will change." "Oh, you're in for a shock". Actually darling I know it will be horrifyingly different, I actually have to look after something! I can kill plants in a matter of minutes so real concentration and focus will be required- that's a big enough change/shock as it is!
I'm not going to give you a step by step account of being preggers. 9 months is a chuffing long time but my quick 10 point break down is as follows:
1. Sickness (everywhere and anywhere, especially in the car!)
2. Bleeding (scary, horrible, didn't like not being in control or knowing what was happening)
3. An alien like creature growing inside you. (Nothing can prepare you for the thought something living is growing inside!)
4. Aches and pains (you suddenly feel like an OAP and there is fuck all you can do about it)
5. Food (You either love it and eat loads or like me you suddenly don't like food anymore and keep getting told off for not eating enough. Trust me when you have thrown up broccoli all over your cream wall you wouldn't want to eat too much either!)
6. Blood pressure (loves to go up and bugger up your plans for the day as you're forced to go to hospital to be told "it's not good but it's not bad enough to do anything, if it goes up by 1 we will consider the next steps. Up by 1? Up by 1? Surely you might as well do something now?)
7. Hilarious lack of technology. (For example it really made me laugh at every appointment that they would check my baby was growing well by using a bog standard tape measure, the ones a seamstress uses, to measure my bump. With all the technology in the world you would expect something more high-tech )
8. Random people touching you (back off love, don't touch me or I'll kick you!)
9. Pissing in a pot (when your stomach is round and your arms are short how on earth do you catch your wee in a tiny little pot? Come on NHS give me a lady wee funnel or something! My midwife actually gave me a round of applause when I managed it!)
10. Everything seems to be made for short people. (Buggies too low, maternity clothes too short - beautiful dresses on others were frumpy tops on me, hospital beds too short so your legs dangle - not comfy folks!)
One of my biggest worries when being pregnant was how can I love my baby and my cat? What if I love my cat more? Jason (the cat) is one well loved, pampered cat, how will he feel about a tiny devil being bought into the house? Towards the end of my pregnancy I actually sobbed because the cat looked lonely. Who does that? Who cries because their cat looks lonely? Actually how can a cat look lonely? He has the same pissed off face everyday so there would be no way of knowing if he wanted a bestie or not.
I discovered crying at ridiculous things happened a lot. I cried at a film about the McDonald brothers as I was so proud of their burger flipping skills, I cried when an imaginary kangaroo died in a film and I sobbed my heart out when I realised the bacon for breakfast the next morning was too thick to crisp up. All majorly upsetting moments!
So in a nutshell I had 9 months to prepare for mayhem and learn how to look after a human - litter trays and automatic food bowls just wouldn't cut it!
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