On Monday I decided I was going to visit Lincoln for lunch, to see my uni friends and their babies. I was very excited, 2 new babies to meet and to see my favourite toddler who provides great entertainment and just wants to help with Felix all the time. She is adorable. Obviously I was looking forward to seeing their mums too but in all fairness they are nowhere near as cute and smiley as their children. Felix is the only boy in the group, I have explained to him that these will be his ‘forced friends’. These are the friends that your parents insist you are friends with because they are friends with their parents. We all have these friends but they are also the friends that will probably get into the most mischief with you or even the friends that you find yourself stuck on a train with where the next stop is York (trust me there were not any doors!).
Felix and I set off in the morning, we were running a little late as one of us decided we wanted some milk before the car journey, that person was not me I would like to point out. Eventually, once the tiny terror was fed, we were on the road. Music playing, air conditioning on (even though it often makes Felix scream it was too hot not to have it on full blast), Felix fast asleep 10 minutes after setting off. Perfect. This would be an easy journey. I hate driving at the best of times. I had a nasty car crash the day before my 21st which really put me off driving, Ed has practically become my chauffeur! He drives so often I am considering buying him a hat and some leather gloves so he looks the part. Anyway, as much as I hate driving, the journey is fine. It took us just over an hour ad a half to get there. We decide we are going to go to Hartsholme Park for a picnic, we realise at this point it will take 3 cars to get us all there with all the baby paraphernalia. 4 adults, 4 baby’s, 4 pushchairs. When we arrive we walk, with all of our stuff to a picnic area. We look like we are pretending to have children, we have become those annoying people whose buggies take up the whole walk way and we are not prepared to move for anyone. The kind of people I hate but the kind of person I love being.
When it was eventually time to leave we decided to cram 3 adults, 3 babies, 3 car seats and 3 pushchairs into 2 cars. We did manage it but it was a struggle and my spatial awareness is shit and I cannot figure out for the life of me how to get everything in my boot.
After some time I decided it was time for me and Felix to hit the road and head home. Ed was making stir fry and Felix would be due a feed about an hour after we get home. Good timing I thought to myself. Little did I know but my lovely day was about to change.
We hit the road just before 6.30pm. It’s such a simple journey, drive to Newark and straight down the A1 until its time to get off. Sometimes it feels like the A1 can go on forever, what I didn’t realise was Monday was going to be the night it got even longer.
When we reached Grantham the traffic was standstill. At first I thought it was just due to the volume of traffic. I didn’t realise they had in-fact shut the A1 due to a coach accident. After 30 minutes of not moving I decided to contact Ed and get him to do some research for me and find out why the road was shut and when it would be opening. At this point Felix started to cry. Loud wails were coming from the back of the car and there was nothing I could do about it. I unclipped my seatbelt and turned around in my chair. I gave him back his dummy, I rubbed his nose I tried everything I possibly could to calm him. Nothing was working. I was stuck on the A1 with a baby screaming. I couldn’t get out to get to him there were too many lorries and they would easily kill me if we moved forward.
Ed rang back and told me I was stuck due to several road closures and it didn’t look like I would be moving any time soon. By this point I too am upset, I am stuck and I cannot soothe Felix.
The cars in front edge forward by millimetres. Literally millimetres. I was still turned around trying to help Felix calm down. The car behind me saw them moving and got right up my arse. I saw this, so I edged forward, it wasn’t even far enough for the wheels to go all the way round. I then go back to helping my Son who is now crying like he is being tortured. The cars edge forward again, this time the bloke doesn’t just get up my arse but he is now waving his arms at me telling me to move forward. ‘Sod off matey I am trying to sort a crying baby here’. He clearly couldn’t hear my thoughts and his arm flapping got bigger and more aggressive. By this point I was really feeling the pressure, tears are running down my face, so I leave Felix and then edge forward again. I don’t want the man behind to be angry with me, I am trying everything I can to make this work.
Ed rings back - ‘why don’t you pull over onto the hard shoulder?’
What he doesn’t realise is I am in the lane furthest away from the hard shoulder and the hard shoulder is full of lorries who have gone over their time. I just have to wait and hope that Felix falls asleep or eventually calms down. I get quite pissy with Ed, I know he is only trying to help but his suggestions frustrate an already stressed and upset Lizzie even more.
Slowly we start to move. They are rerouting traffic, not at the next junction though as someone trying to escape the traffic has had an accident there which means that slip lane is also shut.
When I get off the motorway I need to use SAT NAV as I have no idea where I am and I have no sense of direction. By this point I have been in the car 2 and a half hours. I wiggle through some lovely little villages, suddenly in one of the lanes the lorry in front of me decides he is going to do a 3 point turn and go back the other way. This adds an extra 15 minutes to my journey while he attempts to make a nearly impossible manoeuvre based on the size of the lane and the size of the lorry.
Finally we are back on the motorway, Felix is still crying but we are moving and the end is insight. Or so I thought. When we reach Peterborough I discover the A1 is shut yet again due to road works, I follow the diversion - the diversion takes me back to a slip lane to the motorway, which they have SHUT.
Again I am wiggling through villages. It is now 9.30, half an hour later than Felix wanted feeding. You can usually set your watch to his four hourly demands. He is still crying and now starving hungry.
In one of the sleepy little villages sits two men both wearing high vis jackets at the side of the road with a speed gun. Yes a fucking speed gun. By this point I really don’t care if I get done speeding, I don’t care if they take my license away from me as it means I will never be in this situation again. The older man of the two, stands up with a smug look on his face and points his gun at me. He clearly didn’t realise I had cruise control on and I was happily driving exactly at the speed limit. This did make me feel smug and he sat back down disappointed. This was obviously a community gun but who wants to sit on the side of the road at 9.30 at night catching the couple of cars that go through this village. As I drive round the corner a nutter of a pigeon jumps out into the road. I slow right down but sadly I haven’t done enough, I think the fact that the pigeon didn’t move and just stood still did not help the situation.
So far on this journey I have experienced:
Road closures
Crying 7 week old baby
Angry little twat of a man waving his arms at me
More road closures
Several phone calls to try and keep me on track
I also demolished a whole tub of chocolate popcorn bite things.
Speed guns
And now a dead pigeon has been added to the list.
What else could go wrong?!
Oh that’s right, opening my drink and it fizzes up all over me so now I am soaked and Felix is still crying! Hopefully his tears aren’t tears of hunger but he is mourning the loss of the pigeon, I wouldn’t feel so bad about not being able to meet his needs if this was the case.
We re join the A1 for the 100th time and we are greeted by the motorists favourite invention 50mph average speed check. Will I ever get home? Will be and Felix ever see Edward or our beds again?
I’m hungry, Felix is hungry and we are both miserable - what a team!
We rocked up home at gone 10 with a bottle of milk and a pork stir fry waiting for us. Thank God for husbands!
This has to be the most stressful car journey of my life!
The moral of this story is make sure you have plenty of chocolate to get you through a journey and watch out for pigeons who have a death wish.
Comments
Post a Comment